NeS2 Post 1783
NeS2 Post 1783 continues Britt's adventure on Jupiter when Ptolemy reveals her plan to destroy the Earth using portals that will force Jupiter's own storms to tear across the planet and wipe out humanity. Britt declares that he wants to protect the Earth and doesn't want everyone killed just so that she could kill her own husband. It is too late, however, as the plan has been put into motion already so they must now travel out, wearing Storm Suits, to stop the portals themselves. When Ptolemy talks about drowning babies, Britt finally realises she's a psychopath and shouts at her. This attracts the attention of Marduck, however, the god of Jupiter and of Babylon on Earth. He takes them to his nest where Ptolemy bargains with the god - giving up a hundred and seventy Jupiterians and Britt for her own life. When Marduck learns Britt is from Earth he eats Ptolemy instead as his worshippers on Earth are better than the Jupiterians. He then agrees to help Britt stop the portals that would destroy Earth. Post Marduck Britt the Legend: Chapter Thirteen Britt stood upon the balcony of his chambers within Ptolemy's palace and looked out at the cityscape as it was being ravaged by the storm. Yellow cloud whipped at the buildings' shields, causing a faint purple glow to shroud each visible building. After watching the storm, Britt could easily believe how it might tear a physical being to shreds. Along with the storm came a horrific noise that sounded like the most Hellish duck imaginable. Of course, it then turned out that said Hellish duck was quite real! The booming, screeching quacking thundered over his balcony as the menacing shadow cast over him. Britt leant into the wall, trying to keep out of sight of the huge beast's roving eyes. He wasn't sure if the monster could break through the shield or not - but he didn't want to find out. Ptolemy: "What're you doing?" Britt: "HOLY SMOKING BUNNIES OF BENIDORMBenidorm article, Wikipedia.!! Don't sneak up on me like that!" Ptolemy: "Sorry. I just wanted to sneak up and catch you in the act!" Britt: "Act of what?" Ptolemy shrugged. Ptolemy: "Dunno. Act of something salacious!" Britt: "What? I'm surprised you even know what that means! Actually I don't even know what that means!" Ptolemy: "Me neither, but it sounds naughty!" Britt: "Well even if I wanted to do something salacious, naughty or otherwise, I couldn't with that monstrous quacking thing out there." Ptolemy: "You mean Marduck." Britt: "Mar... duck? As in MardukMarduk article, Wikipedia., the BabylonianBabylon article, Wikipedia. god?" Ptolemy: "Yes. Marduck who is the Babylonian god is the god of Jupiter. Half-man, half-duck god thing. Ugly ******* he is." Britt: "I'm more concerned about being eaten than his appearance." Ptolemy: "You'll be fine in here. Just don't go outside during a storm." Britt: "Well there's no fear of that! I'd be torn to shreds by the storm before I could even be eaten by your Marduck!" Ptolemy: "Right right. So if you're not doing anything salacious, I suppose I'll be leaving." Britt: "... you know, I can't tell if you're trying to proposition me or if you genuinely just wanted to catch me in bed with someone." Ptolemy: "Either way would be fun!" Britt: "You kind of freak me out." Ptolemy: "Well that's not very nice!!" Britt: "Sorry. It's the... genes." Ptolemy: "I'm not wearing any jeans! All my jeans were messed up in the last wash..." Britt: "I bet they were. And every other member of your family." Ptolemy: "Nobody else wears jeans." Britt: "Yes, well, when somebody invents jeans then I'm sure everyone in your family will want them. And I'm sure they'll all want faded, worn-out and warped genes. I mean jeans." Ptolemy: "You just said jeans twice..." Britt: "Right. Sure I did." Ptolemy: "So, do you want to help me do some crazy alchemy, kill my husband, take the throne and conquer the Earth!?" Britt: "... Uh?" Ptolemy: "It would have been easier to convince you if we'd been doing salacious things, but since you're proper gay--" Britt: "I am not gay!" Ptolemy: "It's okay! I'm accepting of everyone's sexual preferences! It's cool by me, man!" Britt rolled his eyes. Britt: "Just tell me what kind of crack-pot scheme your plotting." Ptolemy: "So, I'm going to open a whole load of portals to connect to the Earth. I'll then send the power of the storms through those portals onto the Earth and totally wipe-out every living thing. Making Earth easier to conquer. What do you reckon? Genius, right!?" Britt: "That... sounds like something else... that hasn't been invented yet..."---------- Al Ciao the Writer: "Damn right it sounds like something else! Stop nicking my ideas!" Britt the Writer: "It's... a prototype of your... whatever it was called." Al Ciao the Writer: "The Nova Shroud!" Britt the Writer: "Yeah, that! This is totally an early concept of the same idea!" Al Ciao the Writer: >( ---------- Britt the Legend: Chapter Thirteen Continued Britt: "I would say all that power is going to your head... but I think it's the reverse. Your brain is lacking processing power..." Ptolemy: "I have no idea what that means but I'm sure it's offensive!" Britt: "Look, I'm just saying you should calm yourself a wee bit. Why do you want to go murdering everyone on Earth? I mean, really?" Ptolemy: "Because my pleb of a husband is there!" Britt: "You want to destroy an entire planet of people just to kill one bloke?" Ptolemy: "... ... ... ... yeeees?" Britt: "That's pretty evil, you know that right? I'm from that planet and I don't really want to have my friends and family wiped out just so you can get your own back on your hubby." Ptolemy: "Well... okay so now I feel a bit bad about it." Britt: "Well that's good. So instead, think of how you can punish your husband, without killing everyone on the planet." Ptolemy: "Uh..." Britt: "..." Ptolemy: "Um..." Britt: "Just say it. I know what you're going to say. But say it anyway." Ptolemy: "Heh heh... I sort of... already... it's too late." Britt: >( Ptolemy: "Sorry!! I wasn't thinking, okay?" Britt: "Not okay! How do we stop your brain-addled plan!?" Ptolemy: "Well, we'd have to go outside and manually disable all of the portal points." Britt: "But we can't go outside because of the storm!" Ptolemy: "Actually we can! We wear protective steam-punkSteampunk article, Wikipedia. suits!" Britt: "I won't ask what a steam-punk is because I have a feeling it's not been invented yet. But at least it's a plan." Ptolemy: "But obviously we might get eaten by Marduck." Britt: >( ---------- Later Britt and Ptolemy are outside in the thick of the storm. Britt felt like he would blow away at any given moment, but the strange shielding that coated the metallic suit protected him from all of the storm's effects. Yet it still felt like he was walking through soup. The suit itself was made of purple-metal, like everything else on Jupiter, and the helmet was a massive sphere with a grate at the front to see through. The oxygen tank on his back was providing him breathable air for the next few hours. He scurried across the street, pushing through the soup-storm with his arms out-stretched. He tried to keep to the wall, fearing being seen by the dark shadow that loomed somewhere above him. Ptolemy followed him, looking slightly more dignified than he was sure he looked himself. They both trekked across an open plaza, moving slowly so as not to be easily seen. Marduck's horrifying screech blasted out above them, but his shadow passed by. Britt: "I'm going to pee myself." Ptolemy: "Aw c'mon. He's a big softie really." Britt: "Really?" Ptolemy: "Nah! He'll absolutely gut you and eat you while you're still clinging to life. I just thought I'd say something nice to you." Britt: "Thanks. You're all heart..." Ptolemy: "I know, right!? So listen! I was thinking - once I've brutally murdered my husband, I need a new husband..." Britt: "... haven't you got any brothers left?" Ptolemy: "They're all married already. So I was thinking you'd do! How about it? Want to be a Prince?" Britt: "Uh... I think... I need time to consider it. And run like Hell..." Ptolemy: "What's to think about? I'm a princess! You're pretty hot - for a Roman - and I don't hate you! That's kind of the important part for me." Britt: "But our babies wouldn't be... pure. Right?" Ptolemy: "Oh right! Good point! That's okay! Any children we have, I'll drown them." Britt: "HOLY FU--!!???" Ptolemy dove to the wall. Ptolemy: "What? What is it? Did Marduck see us!?" Britt: "You are one absolute psychopath, Ptolemy! You can't go drowning babies!" Ptolemy: "Oh. Smothering them in their sleep would be more humane, right?" Britt: "NO! YOU CAN'T KILL BABIES, FULL STOP!" Ptolemy: "You... should really stop shouting so much..." Britt: "IF I'M SHOUTING, IT'S BECAUSE I'M FREAKING OUT! YOU ARE TOTALLY INSANE! CRAZIER THAN A BASKET FULL OF MONKEYS AND KOALAS!" Suddenly there's a wailing quack. Britt: "Buggery." Britt felt himself suddenly whirl through the air as he was caught in the fingers of Marduck, the monster-god of Jupiter. Britt squirmed and writhed futilely in the monsters grip, during which he caught a glimpse of the beast's bird-like body and it's human-like head. From the head protruded a thick beard knotted with decorative twine. What should have been talons were hands with long finger-nails that wrapped around Britt tightly. He managed to see Ptolemy in Marduck's other hand as they soared through the yellow-blizzard. They continued flying until, finally, Marduck dropped them both and they fell into a heap of metal limbs in the middle of a nest. Marduck landed on the edge of the nest and barked a quack at them. Britt scrambled away from Marduck and found himself propped up against the opposite edge of the nest beside Ptolemy. Ptolemy: "This is all your fault, Britt." Britt: "Well, maybe if you weren't such a basket-case..." Marduck quacked at them again. Britt: "Jesus Christ. I'm going to be eaten by a weird human-duck-monster. This really wasn't on the list of deaths I considered for myself." Ptolemy: "I didn't envision dying at all! I planned to use alchemy to live forever! I'd have probably drained your life energy and sucked it into me at some point in our future. So maybe this is better for you, at least." Britt: "You get crazier and crazier!" Ptolemy: "I'm not crazy! I'm... special." Britt: "You were clearly dropped on your head as a baby." Ptolemy: "How did you know!?" Britt: "Another lucky guess." Marduck: "Okay, shaddap!" Both Britt and Ptolemy sat bolt-upright in surprise. Britt: "You can talk!" Marduck: "Of course I can talk! I've got a mouth, haven't I!?" Britt: "Well yeah... but all that... quacking..." Marduck: "I'm half-''duck''. Do I judge you for being half ape?" Britt: "Uh... what?" Marduck: "Doesn't matter. So! How would you like to be eaten!? I was thinking boiled, mashed, mixed with a little coriander." Britt: "If I had a preference, I'd say I'd rather not be eaten at all." Marduck: "I'm sure you would!" Marduck's face was bigger than Britt's entire body and as it loomed over him with a broad, white-toothed, grin Britt felt truly intimidated. Marduck was weird, verging on comedic, yet also horrifying and beyond strange to the point of being incredibly creepy. Ptolemy: "How about we make a deal, Marduck? I'm the Princess of Jupiter! I'm worth a lot of... meals, shall we say?" Britt: "What!?" Marduck: "Interesting... how many... meals are we talking about?" Ptolemy: "A hundred." Marduck: "Three-hundred!" Ptolemy: "One-fifty." Marduck: "Two-hundred." Ptolemy: "One-seventy-five. And I'll throw in my would-be husband." Britt: "You mean me, don't you?" Marduck: "Deal!" Ptolemy: "Huzzah!" She jumped to her feet, rather deftly for a woman in a metallic diving suit, and cheered. She did a little dance before she turned to Britt, hands on hips. Ptolemy: "I'm really sorry, Britt. I really am. I'd have liked to have you for my husband. You're really funny. And stupid. So I can relate! But I have to think of myself first. I think you would have annoyed me eventually with all your thinking about... being nice... or whatever." Britt: "I'm touched." Ptolemy: "Shame I didn't get to do that salacious thing with you before you died though." Britt: "Sorry to disappoint." Ptolemy: "Don't worry Britt. Your precious Earth won't suffer too much. The agonising pain of being torn to shreds by Jupiter's winds won't last too long. Like maybe a minute or two! Maybe three. Or four. Well, anyway!" She turned to see Marduck staring straight at her. She jumped back with surprise, but tried to recompose herself quickly. Marduck: "The man if from Earth?" Ptolemy: "Ha! Yes he is! Sorry, I know those guys are probably not a great meal. But hey, more Jupiterians for your later, right? Consider him an appetiser! I love appetisers." Marduck looked at Britt and, for a brief second, Britt felt he could see the future. In the space of the past hour Britt had come to seriously dislike Ptolemy and yet what he saw coming made him feel incredibly bad for her - even though she planned it for him. The crunch of Marduck's teeth was sickening and Britt threw up in a corner of the nest. He kept his back turned from Marduck until the horrible grinding of Ptolemy's bones in the god's mouth came to an end. He glanced back to see Marduck wiping his mouth with a gigantic napkin. He belched. Marduck: "Pardon me." Britt: "That was unexpected. And incredibly gruesome." Marduck: "Well, lucky it wasn't you then!" Britt: "And why wasn't it me?" Marduck: "I don't like these Jupiterians. My real peeps are all down on Earth!" Britt: "You mean worshippers?" Marduck: "That's right! I can feel their faith in me, even here on Jupiter. It's a glowing sensation, I can tell you. Keeps me looking healthy. And so a friend of Earth is a friend of mine. What's all this about killing people there?" Britt: "She's set up portals that will send Jupiter's storms to Earth and kill everyone there!" Marduck: "Such a little strumpet! Royalty! They're all the same! So, shall we go and save your planet?" Britt looked up at Marduck with trepidation. Marduck: "It's okay! I'm not going to eat you! I mean, I was going to... but not now. Now we're besties!" Britt: "I know she was bonkers, and kind of evil in the end but... I feel bad for Ptolemy." Marduck: "Who'se Ptolemy?" Britt pointed to Marduck's belly. Marduck: "Ah! Well, she got her just deserts. HA! GET IT!?" Britt threw up again. Notes Britt's Commentary "The conversation in the Writers' Realm between Al Ciao the Writer and Britt the Writer refers to HFO Post 16." ~ Britt the Writer References External References Category:Post Category:NeS2 Post